TW: suicide, death, graphic imagery and so on. Read at your own discretion. Take care of yourself.
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Happy New Year everyone! I cannot believe we’re here. This has been a truly horrific year for everyone. This year…was not fun. My father died, my grandmother died, a lot more trauma bubbled up. Being stuck at home, being ripped away from my friends in our final days of college, the fucking pandemic.
But lots of good stuff happened too! I finished college, got into my uni of choice, received a scholarship (I will not stop bragging about this), joined Parlimen Digital (this was huge for me, because of how many doors it opened for me), met so many amazing people, helped out at Monsters Among Us, joined KauOkTak’s fight. SO MUCH happened this year, oh god. I have no idea how to summarize everything.
It had been a tiring year. I really hit my breaking point a few weeks back. I was sleeping at 5am every day because I was so constantly sad. I…
I would have intrusive thoughts constantly. I could hear the gunshots, the sound of my limp body hitting the tiled floor; just a wet thud. I could feel the sting of a needle going through my skin, the feeling of your feet leaving the ground as you lost consciousness. I could feel the burn as saltwater filled your lungs; the sound of your head exploding like a watermelon as it hits the ground. I could almost see my hanging body, feet dangling in front of my face when I got out of bed. It was horrific. These images plagued me, it felt like being haunted by my own ghost. All these images appearing prophetically, as if to say: you’re going to end up like your father. You know how Nell is haunted by the Bent-Neck Lady in Hill House, and (SPOILERS) she turns out to be her own hanging corpse? That’s how I feel.
So I took a mental health break!
It sucked ass to be honest.
I gave up on so much. I planned a scholarship workshop, I gave up on that. I wanted to apply to be a mentor; gave up on that too. Planned a project close to my heart, put that on the backburner too. I had so many ideas, so much to give. But I just-I couldn’t. I took a break from KauOkTak, everything. I hated it, so so much. I wanted to do things. But the fact is: it was getting overwhelming. I was becoming so unreliable; I would suddenly shutdown, incapable of doing any work or functioning normally. Just sitting in bed and crying for hours and hours.
But I needed that break, honestly. Made me feel much lighter. Revitalized, almost. I think I’m ready to get back out there! So if I’ve talked to you about a project before, I think you’ll be hearing from me soon! My doctor’s appointment is in a few days, I’m gonna come clean with everything. I’m gonna start writing like this more often, I think, as a journaling exercise. Start exercising more regularly. I am going to try again.
And when I inevitably fail and start falling apart, I will just try again. I will just keep trying, until I die. I could die anytime, I’m in no rush.
While we’re reflecting, I want to thank all my friends, my chosen family. I also want to thank my actual extended family, my cousins. You’re probably reading this, and wondering what kind of bullshit I’ve cooked up this time. To which I say: that is fair.
I love you all so much. As I am typing this, I am kinda crying. I just-
I know that most of my friends are probably celebrating the New Years’ with family, which I love. I love my friends’ families too. I’m not celebrating much and I don’t have much of a family, so this has always been a sore spot for me.
But I just-I feel like crying. My friends really do treat me like family, and their families treat me like family. I don’t talk about it a lot, but like really, you have no idea how it makes me feel. I miss my best friends, my Quintuples, my Leftovers, my debate friends, SMKDOB friends, college friends, so on and so forth.
I love my cousins and I miss them so much. They have been my rock as well, since we’re all on the same fucked up family cruise ship to hell. Hey I like that! Fucked Up Family Cruise Ship to Hell. Keeping that in my brain folders.
I officially left a pretty toxic religious organization. Not naming any names, but its something I had to do. My beliefs are a lot more flexible, and I am okay with that. A lot less religious trauma and guilt in my heart now.
I made so many amazing friends and connections this year. COVID-19 fucked everything up for me, but I am grateful I had the chance to meet these wonderful people.
This is supposed to be some reflection on my part, so this will be posted earlier. For a new start, I am gonna pull out a tarot reading and analyzing that for the new year! So if you’re interested in that, wait for 12am!
If you stuck around this long, thank you! I appreciate you spending your New Year reading this absolutely worthless piece of writing. But I am feeling pretty alone this New Year at home, so thank you for spending some time with me tonight. I appreciate it. I didn’t feel like celebrating much to be honest, so instead I am writing, which is good! I think this is a good end, and start, to 2021.
And as the clock counts down, look around you, look inside you. Take stock of your achievements, your failures, your conflicts, your new connections this year. Take stock of what to be grateful for, what to hate, what you’re mad about.
Why? idk lol
This is supposed to be a good mental health habit, I have no idea why.
Anyways, Happy New Year folks! I love myself, I am beautiful, and I can do anything! I love you, you are beautiful, and you can do anything!
Time to finally get to that assignment I’ve been putting off.