Yeah, I decided not to do the tarot thing. Maybe next time? Idk

I know its just going to be a new year, but I don’t care. I want to romanticise the shit out of the first day of 2021.

Sometimes, it sucks.

I force myself to swallow down all that bitterness down.

I see people having fun with their families, and this burning anger and resentment starts bubbling up my throat. And I swallow it back down.

I want to hang out with my friends, but they’re probably with their own families. Which is fair.

I don’t want to start 2021 with negativity, but I do want to start it with the truth.

I have no idea what’s going to happen. But, I don’t care.

I am so so scared.

What if I fuck up again? What if someone else dies? Death in my family doesn’t mean grief, its the expectation of grief. Its mixed feelings. There’s a part of me that wishes I would feel just grief, as though I loved that family member. Instead it just feels like a black hole. The expectation of sadness.

Baby steps.

If you ended up reading this, hi. Happy New Year.

Dear Universe, we need to talk.