Yeah, I decided not to do the tarot thing. Maybe next time? Idk
I know its just going to be a new year, but I don’t care. I want to romanticise the shit out of the first day of 2021.
Sometimes, it sucks.
I force myself to swallow down all that bitterness down.
I see people having fun with their families, and this burning anger and resentment starts bubbling up my throat. And I swallow it back down.
I want to hang out with my friends, but they’re probably with their own families. Which is fair.
I don’t want to start 2021 with negativity, but I do want to start it with the truth.
I have no idea what’s going to happen. But, I don’t care.
I am so so scared.
What if I fuck up again? What if someone else dies? Death in my family doesn’t mean grief, its the expectation of grief. Its mixed feelings. There’s a part of me that wishes I would feel just grief, as though I loved that family member. Instead it just feels like a black hole. The expectation of sadness.
If you ended up reading this, hi. Happy New Year.